Minor Career Epiphany

As a student, one thinks of oneself as such. I, too, think of myself as a student. Especially when one is mainly looking at printed texts and discussing them for most of one's day, one considers onself as just a student - nothing more and nothing less. At least, however, as a rabbinical student, it's true, those texts are of Jewish tradition. I don't however, usually think of myself as a future rabbi when dealing with such texts. There are times when we have a class here or there that it comes up, or on shabbasos when people ask what I want to do after I graduate, but it's usually just abstract, and I don't actually consider what rabbis do. So, as far as watching what I say and such on my blog as I am a student who, several years away, will become a rabbi, often doesn't cross my mind. I just think I'm only a [lowly] student (and a freshman at that)- that's it. Sunday night, I was mulling over my choice of occupation. Over the last year or so, I have gotten to the point of being critical of texts and so forth, to which there is a certain healthiness, but sometimes it can be a bit much. Also, I like to research and write, so I was thinking, "Hey, why don't I drop this rabbi thing? I won't have to support the rabbinical view or rabbinic exegesis or hermeneutics as opposed to when I am a rabbi. Plus, I will be able to learn a lot of stuff and have more finite hours than I would as a rabbi." However, once I started thinking about teaching (something I would not like to formally do), and not having any special, meaningful, and possibly life-ameliorating interactions with people as I would as a rabbi, I quickly changed course in my thinking. I realized that, yes, I am only a [lowly] student now (yes, just a freshman), but I should try to, at times, be mindful of my future vocation. Plus, I really, really appreciate Rabbi Weiss' warmth and would like to try to emulate it to whichever extent I can (criticalness is not easily given over to being warm, per se). Sometimes I wonder if maybe, also, that I'm a little afraid of becoming really warm and loving as a rabbi, rabbinical student, or even just a person, but for that, time will tell.